100 Duck Jokes and Puns, All Original and Safe for Kids

We wrote every one of these ourselves, so if a joke here is bad, that is nobody’s fault but ours. They are grouped so you can find the right kind quickly: short one-liners first, then puns, knock-knock jokes, jokes for very small children, jokes for duck keepers, and a set of duck sayings for cards and captions. If you want the real facts behind any of them — whether ducks actually have teeth, why they quack, why their feet do not freeze — every group ends with a link to the article that answers it properly.

Twenty quick quack-ups

1. Why did the duck get a job at the bank? It was good at handling bills.
2. What do you call a duck that is always on time? Punctu-quack.
3. Why don’t ducks ever lose at cards? They always have a bill up their sleeve.
4. What did the duck say when it finished its homework? “That was a piece of quack.”
5. Why did the duck bring a ladder to the pond? It heard the water was deep end.
6. What is a duck’s favourite part of the news? The weather, obviously. It is always fair or fowl.
7. Why did the duck refuse to play hide-and-seek? Everyone could hear it counting.
8. How does a duck take notes? With a quill, of course. It has plenty.
9. What did the duck order at the restaurant? Anything, as long as it came with crackers.
10. Why was the duck so calm before the exam? It had everything down.
11. What do you call a duck who tells the same story every day? A re-peep-er.
12. Why did the duck cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
13. What did the duck say to the comedian? “Your jokes are all water off my back.”
14. How do ducks pay for things? They put it on the bill.
15. Why did the duck win the singing competition? It hit every note in the quack-tave.
16. What do you get when a duck learns karate? A black belt with feathers on it.
17. Why did the duck take up gardening? It wanted to grow its own bread. It did not go well.
18. What is a duck’s favourite dance? The waddle.
19. What did the duck say when it dropped its plate? “Well, that’s quacked.”
20. Why was the duck such a good detective? It always followed the trail of crumbs.

Ducks do not have teeth to bite with, whatever number 20 implies about a duck’s investigative skills. The ridges inside the bill are a strainer, and how a duck’s bill really works is a better story than the joke.

Twenty puns for every occasion

21. Feeling down? That is just your feathers.
22. I told my duck a secret. Now it’s a quack-ademic matter.
23. Every duck is a duck-tor of philosophy. They think deeply about the pond.
24. My duck started a podcast. It’s called Quack Talk. Ratings are fowl.
25. A duck’s favourite film genre? Duck-umentaries about ponds it has known.
26. Ducks make excellent lawyers. They know exactly what to do with a bill.
27. What is a duck’s favourite month? Feb-quack-ary.
28. A duck went to the optician. The verdict: perfectly good eyes, terrible at reading the bottom line.
29. What do ducks put on their sandwiches? Bread. Which is exactly the problem.
30. A duck’s least favourite vegetable? Anything that isn’t peas.
31. Ducks are the best at group projects. They never leave anyone in the lurch, only in the pond.
32. A duck’s favourite kind of maths? Sub-quack-tion.
33. What is a duck’s favourite instrument? The drum. It has a good bill for it.
34. Where do ducks go on holiday? Somewhere with a nice pond-orama.
35. Ducks are terrible at keeping secrets. Everything leaks.
36. A duck’s favourite kind of story? A tale with a happy ending and a wet middle.
37. Why are ducks so good at yoga? They already know the downward duck.
38. Where does a duck keep its savings? In a river bank.
39. A duck’s favourite social media? Anywhere it can post a bill-fie.
40. What do you call a duck that is very good at chess? A grand quack-master.

Number 29 is the one true joke in the set. Bread really is a poor thing to give a duck, not because it is poison but because it fills a duck up with nothing useful — here is what the wetland charities actually say, and what to bring to the pond instead.

Ten knock-knock jokes

41. Knock knock. Who’s there? Duck. Duck who? Duck! The ball is coming straight for you.
42. Knock knock. Who’s there? Quack. Quack who? Quack open the door, my feet are cold.
43. Knock knock. Who’s there? Bill. Bill who? Bill you let me in? I’ve been standing here all day.
44. Knock knock. Who’s there? Wade. Wade who? Wade a minute, I’m still drying my feathers.
45. Knock knock. Who’s there? Feather. Feather who? Feather you like it or not, the ducks are back.
46. Knock knock. Who’s there? Pond. Pond who? Pond-er this: why did you lock the door on a duck?
47. Knock knock. Who’s there? Egg. Egg who? Egg-sactly who you were expecting, so open up.
48. Knock knock. Who’s there? Waddle. Waddle who? Waddle you do if I don’t stop knocking?
49. Knock knock. Who’s there? Down. Down who? Down here — I’m a duckling, you’re looking too high.
50. Knock knock. Who’s there? Mallard. Mallard who? Mallard-y, I’ve told you three times, it’s the duck from next door.

Since number 42 came up: a duck’s feet really do stay just above freezing on ice without harm. The blood vessels in the legs swap heat on the way down, which is why ducks’ feet don’t freeze.

Fifteen jokes for very small ducklings

51. What does a duck say when it is happy? Quack. What does it say when it is sad? Quack. Ducks are hard to read.
52. What is a duckling’s favourite game? Follow the leader. It plays all day.
53. Why did the duckling get a sticker? For swimming on its very first day.
54. What do ducklings wear to bed? Their pyjam-mallards.
55. Why did the duckling hide behind its mum? It was feeling a little shell-y.
56. What does a duckling call its mum? Mum. What did you expect?
57. Why did the duckling bring a spoon to the pond? To eat its soup, of course. Duck soup is a saying, not a menu.
58. How many ducklings fit in a nest? All of them, if they squeeze.
59. What is yellow, fluffy and says “peep”? A duckling. What is yellow, fluffy and says “quack”? A duckling that grew up.
60. Why did the duckling go to school? To learn its A, B, Sea.
61. What do you call five ducklings in a row? A queue. What do you call five ducklings in a puddle? A party.
62. Why did the duckling giggle in the bath? The bubbles tickled its bill.
63. What did the egg say to the duckling? “Nothing. I’m an egg.”
64. Why did the duckling stand on one leg? It was resting the other one. Try it. It’s tiring.
65. What did the mother duck say to her noisy ducklings? “Peep down, please.”

Number 53 is not a joke at all: ducklings can swim within a day of hatching, though they are not yet waterproof and need their mother to warm up under. The first weeks of a duckling’s life are stranger and more interesting than most children’s books let on.

Fifteen jokes only duck keepers will get

66. How do you know a duck keeper is home? The ground is wet, the bucket is empty, and the ducks are dry.
67. My ducks drink from a clean bowl for exactly four seconds. Then it becomes soup.
68. Why did the duck keeper buy a bigger water bucket? The same reason as last time. And the time before.
69. I told my ducks their new house was predator-proof. They looked at the latch. I bought a second latch.
70. A duck keeper’s morning: let ducks out, fill water, refill water, refill water, go to work.
71. Why do ducks lay eggs at five in the morning? So that you can find them in the mud by six.
72. My drake has one curly feather on his tail. It is the only tidy thing about him.
73. Q: Where did the duck lay today? A: Yes.
74. Why don’t ducks need an alarm clock? Because you are their alarm clock, and you are late.
75. The duck keeper’s paradox: the deeper the puddle, the happier the ducks, and the sadder the lawn.
76. My ducks have a strict routine. They do exactly what they like, at the same time every day.
77. Muscovy owners have a different problem. Their ducks do not quack. They just stare.
78. Why did the ducks ignore the beautiful new pond? Because there was a new puddle by the gate.
79. A Runner duck does not walk. It attends.
80. If you want to find a duck egg, look where you cleaned yesterday.

The curly tail feather in number 72 is the drake feather, and it is the most reliable everyday way to tell a male from a female in every common breed except the Muscovy. Male vs female ducks covers the voice test too, and the sexing tool walks you through both.

Twenty duck sayings for cards and captions

81. Keep calm and waddle on.
82. Whatever it is, let it roll off your back.
83. Calm on the surface, paddling like mad underneath. Same as you.
84. Every pond is a good pond if you bring the right friends.
85. Be the duck. Nothing sticks.
86. Happy as a duck in a puddle after rain.
87. Small steps, big waddle.
88. Follow the one who knows the way to the water.
89. Some days you’re the duck. Some days you’re the puddle.
90. Quack first, apologise never.
91. Life is better with a bit of mud on your feet.
92. Fluff up, head down, into the wind.
93. You don’t have to fly to get somewhere. Swimming works.
94. Sunshine, a pond, and someone to paddle beside. That’s the whole list.
95. Stay curious. Dabble in everything.
96. One eye open, one eye resting. The duck way to get through a Monday.
97. Peep loudly. Someone is listening.
98. There is always room for one more on the pond.
99. Ducks don’t worry about the rain. They are the reason for umbrellas anyway.
100. Have a quacking good day.

Number 96 is real too. Ducks can rest one half of the brain while the other stays awake, with the eye on the watchful side open. It is one of the best-documented things about them, and how ducks sleep explains the experiments that showed it.

Using these jokes

Use them freely: in a lesson, on a card, in a caption, at a party, on a lunchbox note. If you put one online we would be glad of a mention, but we are not going to chase anyone about a duck pun. The ducklings section is written for children who are just learning to read: short set-ups, one-line answers, no words that need explaining.

If you have a better duck joke than any of these — and there is a reasonable chance you do — send it through the contact page. This list gets revised, and the good ones may well end up in it.

For something to do after the jokes, the free duck colouring pages print in a minute, and the duck quiz finds out who at the table actually knows anything about ducks. Nobody scores full marks first time. That is the point.